There’s something about watching people suffer that really puts my faith through a fiery furnace… And so in a twisted collusion between the hospital nursing staff (who perpetually give varying instructions and destructive glares), the ambiance and my playlist, a song from House Fires II “Good good father” came up. And I welled up. Discreetly. Lest I alarmed someone into sending me to psych.
…It wasn’t “You’re a good good father” that got me sniffing in a hospital full of patients. I believed that. He is a good good father. The singer made it personal by saying “And I’m loved by you”. And that really tugged at my heart. When bad things happen we tend to harden. We ‘un’believe the good in people. We ‘un’believe whatever we need to in order to retain control, however feeble. So when I heard “and I’m loved by You” I realised I had worked hard to ‘un’believe it. And despite my efforts to do so, I still wanted His love. I have to admit I’m a little mad at Him. Like “When somebody says God’s good. I just laugh out of mourning”. I’m mad for the guy who lost his leg this year, the guy who lost his wife, the young woman who’s mourning her husband, the woman who lost her child, the girl who was caught in the cross fire at the club. I’m mad for all of them…
It’s this love You have for me that I do not understand sometimes. The one that shows itself mighty when I’m near drowning… I don’t understand this love that seems helpless when I think I need the most help. The love of an almighty God.
“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:20
And as 2017 draws to a close I can’t wait to sing R Kelly’s line “In the nick of time His blessing rained on me”. I cannot wait to understand what it means to be in the arms of a good father. I cannot wait to understand what it means to be loved by You. I cannot wait to get the water out of my lungs.
*** to be continued ***
For everyone who thinks their life is falling apart, it’s really just falling into place. Wait for it. Be patient.